


Hitched at First Sight

by SoU2019



Series: Royed OTPoly 2020 SoU [3]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, I don't even know anymore, M/M, Reality TV, SoUarchive, Some pining, arranged marriage for tv show, game show, meet cute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:00:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25122049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoU2019/pseuds/SoU2019
Summary: Ed looked at his list. If he removed every mention of Roy’s physical attributes, he would only have 6 facts about him. His eyes drifted to his left hand where the golden band shone in the early morning light. He was married to a man who he knew only 6 things about. What the fuck!?AKA Ed looses a bet, and ends up on the reality TV show 'Married at First Sight' REWRITTEN 2021
Relationships: Edward Elric/Roy Mustang
Series: Royed OTPoly 2020 SoU [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1815196
Comments: 17
Kudos: 202
Collections: RoyEd OTPoly 2020





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rei382](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rei382/gifts).



> Written for Royed OTPoly  
> Roy and Ed are traveling on a vacation in a distant destination as a part of "married at first sight" reality show. Choose either: they are the exact opposite of what they asked for OR they are too perfectly matched  
> Hotel Level
> 
> Happy belated xmas Rei382! I know you like this trope so I've finally gotten around to sort of finishing this fic.

_ “Uh--I thought the wedding was fine. I’d never really thought about my ‘dream wedding’ before this show started, so I was pretty happy with the decorations and stuff. My brother got me this suit, and he knows much more about fashion than I do, but I think that it's rather boring. I should have done my own shopping because I would have chosen something cool with dragons on it or something. I think he got me the red tie and reddish shoes to try and make me happy, but I’ve always thought his taste was bland. I mean he wears corduroy for fucks sake!” _

* * *

The ray of sunlight that fell across Ed’s face was enough to make him consider moving to the Arctic for half a year and then the Antarctic for the other half, if he played his cards right the sun would never rise, and he could enjoy the cold darkness for as long as he pleased.

The only problem with that plan was that he didn’t handle the cold very well. He grimaced as he let his eye flick open. Then the panic hit him. Where was he? This wasn’t his bed! What the fu--  _ Oh _ . Right. Fuck.

He turned his head ever so slightly to the left, and saw what he had nearly convinced himself had been a dream. Roy (or Mr. Dreamboat as Ed had started to call him in his head) was still sleeping, with his body angled away from Ed, but his face half buried in Ed’s pillow. Too close. The man was way too close. Ed did his best to squirm out of the giant hotel bed and make a break for the bathroom before the filming crew interrupted their morning. A glance at his phone showed the time as 6am, and a glance in the mirror showed a reflection of a young man who had finally managed to get more than 5 hours of sleep. Ed reached for his toothbrush.

The previous week had been a blur of course work, stressful personal conversations, and a few sleepless nights before the stupid wedding. Fucking Al. It was his fault he had gotten into this mess! Ed grabbed the dental floss, no way in hell was he going to go pretend that he had just woken up beside that bastard and have morning breath! After using the toilet, checking his hair, and making sure that his pyjamas hid every trace of the prosthetic, Ed slipped out of the bathroom and back towards the bed.

Roy hadn’t moved. He seemed to be dead asleep. It was odd how they were married, but they knew nearly nothing about each other.

The wedding had been small. Ed really didn’t have that many people to invite, but Roy had filled up any seats that Ed had been unable to fill. During the celebration, Ed had met Roy’s adoptive mother, and his sisters. There hadn’t been much time for conversation, but Chris seemed to find the whole process extremely amusing, and had sat there grinning at the proceedings like it was the best joke in the world. Between bites of food, and monologuing with the camera, Ed had barely had the opportunity to ask Roy what he did for work.

Very gingerly, Ed lifted the covers and slid back into the bed. Opening his notes app he started a new page titled ‘What I know about Roy’

1) He is fucking H.O.T

2) He eats dictionaries

3) His mother is awesome

4) He makes terrible puns

5) His eyes are stupidly dark blue

6) His voice is deep enough to vibrate any sense out of Ed’s skull

7) He was in the military for awhile.

8) His friends seem alright

9) He is a lawyer

10) He sleeps like a rock

Ed looked at his list. If he removed every mention of Roy’s physical attributes, he would only have 6 facts about him. His eyes drifted to his left hand where the golden band shone in the early morning light. He was married to a man who he knew only 6 things about. What the fuck!?

Well he had a few weeks before they announced whether they would divorce. Maybe Roy would give it an honest try, but if he didn’t Ed at least hoped they would have sex. If a few weeks fucking an extremely hot stranger was all Ed got out of this experience, he wouldn’t be too upset. Sex with an attractive man, and enough money earned to cover his tuition--It could be worse.

It was far too early to be up, but he was far too anxious to fall back asleep, so instead he turned on his data, and began scrolling through his emails.

* * *

He had just tapped ‘send’ on his final email when Roy began to shift, and pry his eyes open. Dark eyes met his and despite the flash of confusion, Roy managed a smile and didn’t run out of the room screaming. Was that a victory?

“Good morning.” He said.

Ed looked back down at his phone, desperate for a distraction, “Mornin.”

“Did you sleep well?” Roy asked.

“Yeah.” Ed said, “I’m pretty surprised actually. I wasn’t expecting to be able to fall asleep, but I guess I was pretty tired.”

Roy gave a sleepy chuckle, “It has been a very interesting couple of weeks.”

“You could say that again.” Ed said, “Don’t we have to film something now?”

“Yes. We can use my phone if you’d like.” Roy said, unplugging his phone. “I think it has a better camera than yours does.”

Ed snorted, “Yeah, mine is two chromosomes away from being a potato. I got this phone back when cellphones only had a front and back camera, not a whole mosaic of lenses.”

Roy took his phone and slid open the camera. “Okay, I think we should try to look like we aren’t allergic to each other, so could you come closer?” He asked.

Ed looked at the screen, and positioned himself close enough to assure the editors that they had slept in the same bed, but not so close as to suggest that they had been fucking.

“That’s good.” Roy said, and began recording.

“Good morning.” They both said in near unison.

“How did you sleep my dear?” Roy asked him, his eyes flicking to meet his before returning to look at the camera.

“Good.” Ed answered, the words ‘my dear’ echoing in his head. “Slept like a rock, but we forgot to close the curtains, so I woke up before noon.”

Roy laughed, and Ed felt the bed vibrate with it. “Is that when you usually wake up?” He asked.

Ed shrugged, “Sometimes, I usually stay up way too late, and my classes don’t begin until the afternoon so…” He let the sentence dangle, unsure of what to say next.

Roy gave the camera a pout, “I suppose that means you would not be interested in joining me for my daily 6 am visit to the gym?”

“Not unless sleeping becomes a sport.” Ed said, “I go to the gym after supper, if I have time.”

“That’s a shame.” Roy said, “I was hoping you could spot for me.”

“Nah,” Ed said. “Lifting weights is boring, I prefer boxing.”

This caught Roy’s attention, and he angled his face away from the camera to look at him. “Really? Is that the only sport you do?”

“I also do martial arts, wrestling, kickboxing, parkour, circuit training, and laser tag.”

“Laser tag isn’t a sport, is it?” Roy asked.

“It is the way I play it.” Ed grinned.

“Well. I guess I hope I’ll be on your team if we ever play.” Roy said looking at the camera.

“I’m hungry.” Ed said, and he watched as Roy tapped the screen and the filming stopped.

“Should we get room service?” He asked.

“Fuck yeah!” Ed said.

* * *

The food was good, and Ed found that chatting with Roy was surprisingly easy now that the cameras were gone. It was still early, and the crews would be hounding them soon, but they had some time before that happened.

“Are you excited about the honeymoon?” Roy asked, as he piled their dishes together.

Ed nodded, “I have never actually left the country before, I have heard a lot about beach resorts, but I’ve never been to one.”

“Oh.” Roy said, “Do you mind me asking why?”

Well. It was going to come up sooner or later.

Ed sighed, “Nah it's fine, My mom died when we were young, and my father wasn’t around so Al and I bounced around the foster care system until Izumi adopted us. She and Sig are amazing, but we never travelled because no travel insurance ever wanted to give her coverage. She has some rare autoimmune disorder that requires a lot of medical attention, and because of that we never left the country. We drove up north once, it was nice.”

“I am sorry to hear that.” Roy said, “I am glad that you and your brother found such good parents.”

Ed gave him a practised smile. People rarely knew how to react when Ed told them his sob story, but Roy was also an adopted child, so maybe it wasn’t so odd for him.

“What’s your sob story then?” Ed asked.

“My heart-rending story begins back when I was little more than a chubby bundle of joy.” Roy said with an appropriately dramatic tone of voice. “I was such a chubby baby, that when we were T-Boned at an intersection, I barely felt the impact as I jiggled in my seat. The paramedics who pulled me out said that there wasn’t a scratch on me.” The dramatic tone faded and the rest was said in a rush, “My parents weren’t so lucky. My aunt got custody of me, and I grew up with her as my mother.”

The mention of a car accident had Ed blinking away flashbacks. The sudden flood of desperation, panic and the smell of warm blood sent him careening down a path that he had fallen down many times before. He shook his head, and breathed.

“That sucks.” Ed said, in what he hoped was an approximation of a normal voice.

“Yes.” Roy said, “It does.”

Ed looked at him. Roy was 30-something, and yet here he was still caught up in the pain of an event he didn’t even remember. Time doesn’t cure all wounds, it helps them fade, but the pain and the nightmares remain.

“Well, I guess you're gonna find out sooner or later.” Ed said, standing up from the little table they were sitting at.

Roy looked at him questioningly.

They were both fully dressed, head to toe in pyjamas. Ed had specifically chosen this set of sleep wear because the pants were long, and made of a thicker material that didn’t show the hard lines of the plastic that lay beneath. He reached for the draw string and pulled it loose. Roy’s brow furrowed in confusion.

“Ed...?” He asked, but was silenced by the whoosh of fabric as Ed let the material crumple around his feet.

He watched as Roy took in the prosthetic leg. His boxers brushed the port where skin met metal, but they did nothing to hide the scarring, and the discoloration that persisted all these years later.

“Why did you sleep with it on?” Roy asked, finally looking back up at his face. “It can’t be comfortable.”

Ed shrugged, and picked up the pants to fold them. “I didn’t want to freak you out.” He said.

It was partially true. He didn’t want to make Roy any more uncomfortable than he must have been, and he didn’t want to distract them from the sleep they so desperately needed. But, if he was being honest with himself, his main reason was that he was absolutely terrified of Roy’s reaction. It wasn’t fair that someone as fucking attractive as Roy would get saddled with someone like him for this stupid TV show. They were married, yes, but they knew very little about each other, and Ed didn’t want Roy to go screaming to the cameras before they even made it to bed.

He hadn’t told the producers about his leg. Winry had made it so well that no one could tell that he was missing a limb. He had hoped he could make it through the whole stupid show without showing his prosthetic on camera, but Al had pointed out that they were going to spend time in a tropical resort, so he would be filmed in the pool. At least now if Roy ran away, he could tell the cameras that he had tried his best.

“Car accident.” Ed explained before Roy could ask. “Al got an infection that turned into Guillain-Barré syndrome, and he was on life support, so I ran away from school to go be with him, but a truck hit me, and next thing I know, Al and I are both at physiotherapy learning how to walk again.” Ed shrugged, “My friend Winry, you met her at the wedding, she made this for me, and it works really well. It's not the same as having a leg, but it lets me do everything I want.”

“Does it hurt?” Roy asked.

“Meh,” Ed said, “The stump does, its cut off at a stupid place, so the bone is permanently bitchy, but I’m used to it.”

Roy sat back in his chair, looking way too fucking earnest.

“Edward, please don’t put yourself through more pain just to make me feel comfortable.” Roy said, “I don’t care if you—well I do care, but I don’t  _ care  _ care.” He said with a flush creeping up his neck, “What I mean to say is that it's fine, it's all fine. I’m not put off by your injury, so please do not inconvenience yourself for my sake.”

Ed stared at him. He had only known this man for 15 hours, but he already knew that Roy was a smooth talker. He had managed to navigate a minefield laden conversation with Al without so much as a single stutter. Even Izumi’s threats of annihilation had been met with easy pleasantries, and yet here he was barely able to finish a sentence. Fake limbs made  _ everyone  _ act weird.

“You sure?” Ed asked

“Yes.” Roy said without hesitation. “I am a little surprised, but believe me I have seen worse.”

Ed nodded. He knew Roy had used the military to fund his studies. Law school was expensive, so Roy had enlisted, done his duty, and then applied for school. Ed didn’t know much about the war, but he had seen the news reports, and had met some survivors in physio.

“Kay, well I’m going to go shower then.” Ed said, “Give me a shout if the camera’s show up.”

Hopefully they’d get an hour of personal time, but it wasn’t likely. The upcoming flight was making him uneasy as he’d never been on a plane. There were two reactions that he received whenever he mentioned that little tidbit; either the person would look at him like he was an ignorant country bumpkin who thought the world was flat, or they’d pity him like he was some poor street beggar who could never dream of affording such a luxury. Ed grimaced as he stripped and turned on the shower; maybe he could act like he wasn’t scared so that they’d keep the camera’s off his face. The producer guy would love to add this sob story to the show, but Ed felt that he had given them plenty to work with already.

The shower head was one of those fancy ones that let you adjust the pressure, and Ed let the water pound into him, relaxing his muscles and easing the ache in his thigh. The little shampoo bottle had barely enough product for his hair, but he wasn’t about to call down to reception and try to get some more. The conditioner was quite nice, and Ed was pleased with the silkiness of his hair as he finally exited the bathroom. He’d been told to wear comfortable travel clothes, and Al had packed him enough ‘outfits’ to last him the duration of the show, and there may or may not have been a few death threats from Winry if he were to stray from the agreed upon wardrobe and put on something she considered ‘a blinding disaster.’ Thankfully Al loved him, and his favourite leather jacket had been one of the few non-boring items that had been packed for him. The frilly black puff sleeve shirt that made him feel like a super cool vampire wasn’t one of the items that Al had let him have, but there were a few t-shirts that he didn’t hate stuffed into the corners of the suitcase. It wasn’t much, but you really couldn’t go wrong with black jeans and a cool t-shirt. 

The sound of scuffling alerted Ed to the presence of the camera crew, and he plastered on a smile as he stepped out into the living space.

“You want the shower?” Ed asked.

“In a minute,” Roy said “I am trying to find my phone charger.”

“Check the crack between the headboard and the mattress, I dropped my phone there when we first got here.”

Roy looked over at the bed, bent over the bed, and then proceeded to put his remarkably fine ass on display as the pyjama pants stretched tightly across his body. Ed did his best to not stare, but it was really hard to look away.

A faint whirring sound broke the silence, and Ed turned to the cameras that were aimed at them. Well, hopefully he would be on the other side of the world when this episode aired and Roy realized that he’d been drooling over his ass.

Fuck his life.

“Found it!” Roy said jumping back off the bed.

“Good.” Ed coughed, “Now go take a shower so that we can get the hell out of here.”

* * *

The airport hadn’t been as scary as he thought it would be, even though security was a nightmare. Roy seemed to know exactly what to do and where to go, so Ed hadn’t really paid attention to anything other than the metal tubes of pressurized air that were parked directly outside the glass windows leading to their gate. The first few planes they walked past were normal looking tin cans, but as they passed gates E and F, Ed noticed a few that were much more like a cruise ship with wings. He wasn’t a physicist, so clearly he was missing something, but how the fucking shit did giant bricks of metal with two flimsy twigs attached to either side fly!? Seriously!? 

“Don’t worry,” Roy said “Our plane will be smaller than that one.”

“I fucking hope so.” Ed muttered, pulling his carry-on sharply. “We are gonna be breathing recycled air for 3 hours, and the average person will fart at least once in that same amount of time. I’d like to limit the farts down to a couple hundred not a couple thousand.”

Roy laughed, not in a dignified way, but in a dorky snort/gasp kind of way that made Ed glance sideways at him to confirm that the sound had indeed come from the suave motherfucker wearing a fucking suit on holiday. He had told Roy that a suit wasn’t appropriate for the beach, but that hadn’t stopped him, instead Roy had simply pointed out that it wasn’t a formal suit, as he wasn’t wearing the matching waistcoat, and he hadn’t even put on a tie. Fucker was probably doing it for the cameras.

“I think the largest planes only carry up to 800 passengers.” Roy said “Our plane will probably have around 3 or 4 hundred seats.”

“That's still too many farts.” Ed grumbled, as they approached their gate.

“I do not disagree; however, keep in mind that, no matter the smell, anything that masks the stench of plane food is a blessing.”

“I am definitively gonna go back to that coffee shop we just passed and getting something to eat then.” Ed huffed, and with their gate within view, he spun around and began heading towards the display of pastries.

* * *

_ So far it's been good. Roy is very funny, and he seems to be a decent person—not that I am a great judge of character or anything, but he seems okay—and he likes dogs so that’s a plus. The flight here was fine, Roy fell asleep and drooled on my shoulder, but I filmed him, so giving you guys that footage is plenty of revenge. I haven’t really talked to the other couples, they seem nice, but that James guy seems really off putting, so I’m just gonna avoid them. I’ve never been to a real beach before, so Roy and I went there as soon as we got our room, so I’ve spent the last hour getting every last bit of sand out of my leg..Hey did I mention I have a fake leg? See it's made of plastic, metal, and some other stuff. My friend Winry Rockbell made it, and its fucking awesome! If anyone wants to get a really nice prosthetic that works better than anything else on the market, go to her website, she’s a genius. _

* * *

The hotel room was dimly lit when Ed returned from his video journal thing that they kept insisting he make. It was weird to talk about yourself to a camera, but he was going to have to get used to it. Roy was sitting up against the headboard, typing away at his laptop. He looked up as Ed entered the room, and with a few final clacks, he closed the computer and set it aside.

“Hey.” Ed said awkwardly.

“How did it go?” Roy asked.

“Eh, it was okay. I’m still not used to all this.” He said gesturing around the room. There were two cameras that had been installed in their rooms to make sure that not a minute went unseen. There were no microphones on those cameras so at least Ed could snore to his heart's content without being judged.

“It is odd that they choose to have cameras installed here when the entire purpose of this honeymoon is to get us all having sex.” Roy said, “It doesn’t exactly encourage intimacy.”

Ed shifted his weight, “About that.” He said. “I—I’m not against the idea of sex or whatever, but I don’t know if--” Ed tried to voice his concerns, he tried to say _ ‘you’re so fucking gorgeous that I don’t know if I can be naked in the same room as you.’  _ The whole point of this show was to get them to at least give the relationship a go before they divorce, but he really couldn’t stomach the idea of having someone like Roy in his bed. Roy was  _ so  _ fucking far out of his league.

Roy’s sharp eyes studied him, and Ed felt like Roy could read the insecurity, and trust issues that he tried to hide, but which might as well be stamped on his forehead. Roy must have noticed that Ed had worn an old T-shirt over his swim trunks earlier on the beach, he must have seen the way in which Ed refused to be seen in any state of undress, and how he kept himself aloof from the other couples in order to avoid their questions.

“Ed, I will never do anything you are not 100% onboard with, alright? I would very much like to have sex with you at some point, but that is not a priority and I need you to know that we don’t have to do anything, even if the show runners want us to.”

Well, _ shit. _ He hadn’t thought it would be possible for him to find Roy even more attractive, but the combination of the sincerity of his tone, and the respect his words showed, made Ed’s brain turn the ‘attraction’ dial up so high he was worried it would break.

“Uh, thanks.” He choked out, “Same for you. I guess. But yeah, I’d like to--” He cut his losses and ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

Roy was half asleep when Ed finally left the bathroom. He looked at the bed, and the man laying in it. He took a steadying breath. He could do this. He could give this ‘marriage’ thing a proper go.

Putting one foot in front of the other, Ed made it to his side of the bed, and slipped under the covers. Roy glanced at him with a faint smile, and Ed flushed. Now or never, he thought.

The bedside lamps were still on, casting a warm tone around the room. The air conditioning unit hummed quietly in the background, and the sound of the ocean could be heard. Ed’s eyes flicked down to the wedding band, and he found the strength to ask his question.

“Can I kiss you goodnight?”

Roy cocked an eyebrow, and looked at him through his dark lashes, “Yes, of course.”

Ed propped himself on his elbow, and feeling his face flush a deep red, he leaned over and pressed his lips to Roy’s.

It lasted half a second, and Ed was beginning to pull back, when he felt a hand tangle in his hair, and his head was pushed back down, until their lips met again. Roy was still mostly asleep, and his kisses were slow, and lingering. Ed let himself follow Roy’s lead, and without even realizing it, Ed found himself plastered up against Roy, his tongue so far down Roy’s throat that it might have found Narnia. He felt a hand come up and rest on his cheek, and Ed pulled back to see dilated pupils, and swollen lips.

“You are the most stunning person I have ever had the pleasure of kissing.” Roy said.

Ed buried his burning face in the pillow beside Roy’s head. The hand that had been on his face relocated itself onto Ed’s back, and began rubbing soothing circles into the tensed muscle.

“Good night, Edward.” Roy said, making no effort to push Ed away, or to take his hand away.

The noise Ed made into the pillow might well have been the appropriate response, but Ed had lost his mind, and he no longer had any control of his limbs.

“Don’t forget to take your leg off.” Roy said, the bleariness returning to his voice.

Ed didn’t move, but eventually, when the hand at his back had slackened, and the only sounds coming from Roy were steady breaths, Ed undid the clasps that kept his leg attached to his thigh, and dropped the layers of cushioning materials on to the floor beside Winry’s creation. He looked at his stump, contemplating it’s uneven surface and bunched up folds, before reaching out and flicking off the lights.

* * *

_ “I slept fine. I usually sleep on my ratty old mattress, and I have been realizing that my back pain might have something to do with that. The hotel bed is freaking huge and the memory foam is the best thing I’ve ever slept on. I think I’m gonna try and steal it--any ideas on how to sneak a king-sized mattress out of a hotel? Anyways, you guys probably saw the thing we did last night...uh--what can I say? Might as well try and get something out of this marriage thing right?” _

* * *

“I don’t think I ever asked you how you ended up on this show.” Roy said, as he set the breakfast trays down while the camera crew surrounded them.

Ed grabbed a slice of toast and bit into it. “It’s stupid really. I lost a bet to my brother, and the consequences were to either get a really stupid tattoo or sign up for a TV show that he picked. I figured I would never be chosen for a TV show, so I went with that, and here I am.” He took a gulp of coffee. “Howabout you?”

“My best friend and I got drunk, and we sent in applications as a joke. It wasn’t quite so funny a few months later when I got called in for an interview.”

“Yeah, I don’t even know why they picked me, I told them marriage had never been my priority.” Ed said.

“Who knows.” Roy said, “Maybe because I said that I liked blondes, and that I had a bit of an intelligence kink.”

“So they thought that hooking you up with a broke Ph.D candidate was a good idea?” Ed said.

Roy shrugged, “What did you put down on as your preferences?” Roy asked.

Ed looked down at his plate and fiddled with the butter knife, “I said I liked confident older guys who were smart.”

Roy leaned back in his chair, “And how well do I fit into that description?” He asked.

Ed wanted to stab him. “If you want to go off and fish for compliments, you should try the girl at the front desk, she seems to really like you.”

The smirk that unravelled across Roy’s face was blinding. “I am not after  _ her  _ approval.” He said.

Pity there were cameras because there was a pot of tea just begging to be thrown in Roy’s general direction.

“What? Do you want me to say that you are so much fucking hotter than I expected?” Ed snarled, “Because fine! I was fucking expecting some normal lookin guy to show up, and promise his life away in front of the cameras, not someone like you!” Ed glared, “And look, I get it, you could have anyone you fucking wanted, and yet you got stuck with me. Tough shit. Decision day is only a few weeks away, I need the money for my tuition, so I’ll go through with my contract, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t make my life a living hell in the meantime.” Ed pushed himself up into a standing position, he looked at the camera with disdain. “Dramatic enough for you?” he asked the ginger boy behind the lens. He grabbed his phone and stormed out of the room.

* * *

The tides were out, exposing the volcanic rocks that harboured little pools of water. Ed hadn’t seen them yesterday because of the aforementioned tide, but now he could see the myriad of creatures that were hiding in the crevices. Throwing a glance over his shoulder, he noted that the camera crew seemed to have lost him. He tested his shoes on the rocks, and found that he could walk across them with relative ease. With one last glance at the shore, Ed walked rock to rock, until he was quite far from shore, and completely hidden. He found a flat place to sit, and poked a stick into one of the many tiny pools that had tiny fish swirling around. The water was crystal clear, and he could see his reflection in the rippling water. 

He didn’t know what had come over him. Why had he freaked out like that? Roy had been making small talk for the cameras, it was what he was supposed to do, and Ed had freaked out. Maybe that was why they had selected him for this shit that passed itself off as ‘reality television’ nothing like an angry outburst to really add some drama. 

Ed sighed and rubbed his eyes, what was wrong with him? It had barely been two days of being filmed, and he had already lost his cool. He reached in his pocket and pulled out his phone. The note page titled ‘What I know about Roy’ stared back at him, he began to type.

11) Roy likes blondes. Smart blondes

12) This began as a joke between him and a friend

13) He was a goddamn flirt

14) He was a damn good kisser

15) He works out a lot

16) He likes dogs

17) His parents died in a car crash

18) The military paid for his university degree

19) He doesn’t mind the missing leg

20) The face he makes while drinking his first coffee of the day is stupidly cute

Two days into the marriage and Ed had already stormed out. He should probably go and apologize. There was a mystery adventure trip in a few hours that had been organized for the couples, and Roy would have to go with him. He could hear Al’s reproachful voice echoing in his head. Ed turned his head to watch a crab make its way out of one of the puddles of water. Lucky crab had never even heard of reality television. Ed sighed, well the show runners would love this. He stood up, and turned back towards the beach.

Scanning the shore Ed could see the camera crew approaching him, and he gave them a nod, before beginning his hunt for Roy. He would much rather do this without an entourage, but he really didn’t want to have to reenact the scene later, once the director realized they’d missed capturing it for the world to see.

It didn’t take long to locate him on the beach. Roy was sitting in the shade of some tropical tree on a reclining beach chair with a glass of whisky in one hand, and a breakfast muffin in the other. The camera crew once again surrounded them. Ed did his best to pretend they weren’t there.

“Isn’t it a bit early for drinking?” Ed asked as he sat on the chair beside Roy.

“It is.” Roy said, “But I make exceptions for vacations.”

“I’m sorry.” Ed said, looking at his feet. “I didn’t mean to get mad at you, I just—I dunno. I’m sorry.”

Roy looked at him curiously, “Thank-you.” was what he finally settled on saying, “I wasn’t quite sure what you were mad about. I am sorry if I said something that made you feel uncomfortable.”

Ed shook his head, “No, I just got too caught up in my own head.” He closed his eyes, he knew what he had to say, but he really didn’t want to say it. “I just can’t believe they set us up together, you are so out of my league that I would never have swiped right on you. I guess I just don’t think this is going to work.”

The chair creaked as Roy sat up, and put his food and drink down on the little table between them. 

“Firstly, let me say that you are not out of my league, in fact I don’t think leagues even exist, and if they did no one could possibly consider themselves to be too good for you.” Roy said with a scary amount of sincerity. “Secondly, I don’t know if this is going to work out either, but I do know that I really liked kissing you last night, I think you are extremely attractive, and most importantly, I think you are very interesting.” Roy looked Ed straight in the eyes, and said “I think we have a good chance of succeeding if we both put some effort in and do our best to communicate.”

Ed tried to swallow, he tried to choke down the ball of emotions that he could feel blocking his throat, but he couldn’t dislodge it. So instead he nodded.

The smile Roy gave him was warm and comforting, and Ed felt the choking sensation increase.

“I’m not perfect.” He managed to say without his voice cracking too much, “I get angry easily, I usually wake up screaming from nightmares, and I tend to focus so much on my research projects that I forget that anyone else exists.”

Roy got up and moved to sit beside him on his reclined chair. Ed could feel their thighs brushing, and he could smell Roy’s cologne. “I am also far from perfect, Ed.” Roy said, as he reached out and took Ed’s hand in his own. “I’m a workaholic with PTSD, and a tendency to drown my problems in alcohol. I am absolutely terrible at remembering birthdays, and I can guarantee you that at some point I’ll bore you to death with my muttering about cases. But if you would like to give it a try, I would very much like to have the opportunity to fall in love with you.”

Ed turned to stare at him.

“That is the single most disgusting thing anyone has ever said to me.” Ed said, but the blush on his cheeks betrayed how touched he actually was. “I will try my best to make this work,” He continued, “On the condition that you never say anything that sappy ever again.”

Roy laughed, “I am not sure if I can promise that, but I’ll see about turning the sap down by half a notch--and I am not just saying this for the cameras, Ed, I mean every word.”

Ed tried his best to not look up at the film crew, who stood a short distance away and groaned, “I’m fucked.” He muttered, flushing a deep red. “I dunno what’s worse, that this whole shitshow will be on TV or that all this sap is gonna give me diabetes.” 

“There are worse things than airing your dirty laundry on television.” Roy said.

“HA.” Ed scoffed, “Like what?”

Roy looked thoughtful for a moment “Country music.”

Ed laughed. He couldn’t help it, the tension between them was gone, and for a minute, Ed remembered that Roy was just a person. He looked at him through his hair, “Can I hug you?” He asked hesitantly.

“Of course,” Roy said, opening his arms, and wrapping them around Ed, “All you ever have to do is ask.”

If there hadn’t been 3 men with camera’s, he might have actually cried, but as it was all he could do was swallow and mutter “Not all country music is bad.” directly into Roy’s ear.

* * *

_ Today was---Today was a thing that happened. I---- look, I know that I was an ass this morning, but I’m usually an ass, so that’s nothing new. I guess now Roy knows what a piece of shit I can be when I’m cranky, but I think he sorta understands--in a weird way, and maybe I’ll manage to keep my fat mouth shut when I get mad. I don’t think I’ll ever learn to do that, but it doesn’t hurt to try. _

* * *

Ed stared at the ceiling before sitting up in bed and facing Roy.

“I’m the ‘damaged goods’ one here, aren’t I?”

Roy looked up from his book, the reading lamp casting a soft glow around him. “I beg your pardon?” He said.

“I’m the ‘damaged goods’ one here.” Ed repeated. “On the stupid adventure tour today I realized that everyone on this fucking show is a stereotype.” He scowled, “James is the arrogant jock, Miranda is the crystals n’horoscope hippie, Greg is the repressed religious one with a stick up his ass---wait no that’s too gay for him---he has 30 years worth of shit clogging up his ass because assholes are gay. Emily is the desperate wannabe mother, and Jackie is the token black person and her wife is the token Hispanic person.” Ed hit the mattress, “I’d be the token disabled person, but they didn’t know about that, so I’m the fucked up one.”

The book made a soft sound as it was closed, and Roy leaned back in his chair. “I wouldn’t say that.” He said, “if anything you are the smart one.”

“Bullshit. First, half of the Ph’Ds I’ve met are fucking idiots, and so being able to afford a doctorate doesn’t mean you’re smart, it just means you like school, and can afford it. Secondly, who the fuck cares about a smart person’s private life? Thirdly, they must have chosen me because of my ‘tragic backstory’ not my genetics research.”

“Well then,” Roy said, “You are the tragic-backstory character. That is much better than ‘damaged goods’ which I would argue applies to anyone. I don’t think there is anyone who isn’t damaged in some way or another.”

“Yeah well Boo-Fucking-Hoo, Mr. Playboy.” Ed said.

“Ah, you noticed that did you?” Roy sighed, “I think they are trying to make me look like I’m interested in other people so that when they edit this episode they can use our conversation this morning to make it seem like I’ve had an epiphany.”

“So what? You’re the newly-wed husband whose eyes are already wandering until I yell at you about my insecurities, and we fucking hug on the beach?”

Roy nodded, “I believe that sums it up quite well.”

“Fuck me.” Ed cursed as he flopped back onto the bed. “I can already hear the dramatic music and see the stupid zoom thing they do to focus on people’s faces.”

“Such is the reality of reality television.” Roy said, “I suspect they really want to use me to portray a stereotypical bisexual who can’t commit to one gender.”

“Eurgh.” Ed said, “Hey-I thought you said you were pansexual?”

“I am, but I don’t think the show runners understand the difference, and I suspect they’ll just label me as bi.”

“Yeah. I guess I am just surprised after all that bull they gave us about how the show is ‘being progressive’ and all that with having a 1/3 of the cast be in same-sex marriages.” Ed said.

“It doesn’t come as a total surprise to me; however I will say that I do find it irritating, and you’ll notice that I didn’t flirt with her. I saw her talking to the director earlier, and I knew she was told to get my attention.” Roy smirked, “All they’ll have is footage of me telling her how sexy my new husband is.”

“They’ll still manage to twist it into something that fits the playboy stereotype.” Ed flushed.

“Oh, most definitely.” Roy said, standing and walking over to the bed. “That; however, does not suggest that I have to make it easy for them.” He leaned down to run a hand down Ed’s jaw. 

Ed froze as soft fingers caressed his cheek, and his eyes met those that were seemingly trying to bore a hole through him. He wanted to lean into it, he wanted to close his eyes and just feel the gesture on his skin, but before he could react Roy had straightened with a soft smile, and was already walking towards the washroom.

* * *

_ So, today Roy and I went to this stupidly big buffet restaurant place on the other side of the island. I am not kidding when I say it was stupid big--like really stupid big! They had everything you can imagine, and I was already full by the time I was done sampling the appetizer section, so I was basically comatose by the time we left. I am pretty sure that place is my favourite place ever! Greg kept giving me the stink eye the whole time, and I dunno if its because he’s like--into me or something, or if he was judging me for being hungry. Anyways, Roy talked the whole way back about how amazing his friend’s dog is, so now I guess I gotta meet her so that I can see for myself. We have 3 more days here before we go home, and I am really gonna miss this place. I can’t believe we are already halfway through our time here! I’m pretty sure I just got off the plane! _

* * *

The fourth day went by much the same as the previous days. A morning interview followed by some free time and a few optional activities, but the schedule promised yet another surprise event, from which, Ed wished he could be excused.

“Hello everyone!” The woman Ed had referred to only as ‘marriage lady’ said, “My name is Peggy, and today we are having a happy hour!”

James and Greg cheered, and Ed rolled his eyes. 

“But its not just any happy hour,” Peggy continued, “It’s  _ Happy _ Hour, if you get what I mean.” She winked one of her bird-wing-sized eyelashes, and Ed could have sworn he felt a breeze. Just because you could glue half a ton of hair to your eyelids, doesn’t mean you should.

“We are going to have drinks, listen to some smooth jazz, and talk about our deepest desires with the person who you have married.” Peggy smiled, “This is your honeymoon, and even if you haven’t had sex with your partner, we think you would benefit from learning about what your partner enjoys the most in the bedroom.” There are a few hoots, but Peggy only smiled again. “I am a marriage councillor, as many of you already know, and from my experience, one of the biggest issues in relationships is a lack of understanding and openness about sex. To some of you, sex is little more than a 5 minute romp, but to others it can be something on a whole different level. So please follow me into our private bar, and find your assigned table so that the fun can begin!”

Ed hadn’t wanted to die as much as he did right now. “Dammit.” He cursed, and Roy made a sound of agreement as they followed Peggy into the bar. The place was a classy, dimly lit, modern-rustic styled bar, with a soft jazz sound track playing from speakers hidden in dark corners. High tables were set around the place with 2 equally high stools at each one. Luckily there seemed to be enough space between each to provide some privacy, but that wouldn’t matter when your every word was being recorded for the cameras.

Roy gestured to one table that had their names on it, and Ed did his best to hoist himself up onto the stupid stool without falling over. “Do they seriously expect us to talk about our sex lives on camera?” Ed asked, glaring at the camera people who were hiding in the shadows.

“I imagine so.”Roy sighed. “If there is something you wish to say without being on camera, we can always continue the discussion once we get back to our room.”

“Yes. Our room with the cameras.” Ed said.

“We can always put a sock over the lens.” Roy suggested.

“Hmm. One for the doorknob and one for the camera.” Ed said, “Oh wait, no there are 2 cameras.”

“We can always use my socks if you don’t have a 3rd one lying around.” Roy said.

“Shut up and get ready to order.” Ed said, doing his best to not examine the reasons why Roy had even mentioned covering the cameras. “I’ll have whatever is the sweetest cocktail you have that doesn’t have milk in it. Ed said to the young waiter who had appeared by his elbow.

Roy ordered some nasty liquid ‘on the rocks’ and Ed turned his attention to the flickering tea light and single red rose on their table. Nothing like a dying plant to really set the mood.

  
  


Ed’s hands twitched with the need to drink something before this shit-show started, but their waiter was nowhere to be seen, and by the looks of it, no one else had been served their drinks yet.

“Tonight we will start off slowly.” Peggy said, “We will start with soul-gazing. For you that don’t know, soul- gazing is a trust building activity that simply needs you to hold eye-contact with your partner for 3 minutes. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul and just three minutes of silent eye-contact changes the way you see each other. It’s not a staring contest--you are allowed to blink, but you can’t look away from your partner’s eyes. Get comfortable, we will start on the count of three.”

If he cringed any harder, he was going to end up paralysied. Ed grimaced and put his chin in his hands. He could do this. If Roy was uncomfortable with the assignment, he didn’t show it, and he turned his stupidly perfect face to face Ed with nothing more than a faintly amused expression.

“Begin!” Peggy said, and the room fell silent with only the occasional giggle interrupting the jazz music. 

Three minutes isn’t a very long time, but it feels like an eternity when you have to stare into the eyes of the hottest man in the room---and arguably the island--without saying a word. At first Roy performs some frankly impressive eyebrow acrobatics, and Ed nearly laughs, but as the eternity dragged on, he seemed to settle, and Ed could focus on trying to decide which eye was better to look at. Roy’s right eye had a single freckle at the corner, but his left eye was the one that caught Ed’s attention. The dim lighting of the room didn’t make it easy to see, but the tealight shone enough light to allow Ed to see that Roy’s eyes seemed to be a dark shade of blue rather than the black he had assumed. It was interesting. He wondered what Roy was seeing in his eyes. He knew there were flecks of brown in his eyes, but he didn’t think it was something worth noticing. He also knew he had a faint scar above one eye, but hopefully the lighting was too dim to showcase it. With a start Ed noticed that his breathing pattern had synchronized with Roy’s, and he tried to change it, but couldn’t manage it without looking away. The whole thing was creepy and unsettling, but it was also oddly grounding. Ed had just begun to consider that it wasn’t too bad when Peggy spoke again.

“Alright guys! That’s 3 minutes! I hope you learned something from this and that you can keep those things in mind as we go on to the next activity.” 

Ed watched as Roy forced himself to break the eye contact by blinking hard and quickly before focusing down on his hands. It was an oddly shy gesture that Ed couldn’t really associate with the man he had come to know over the past few days.

Peggy held up a box “Now we will start the evening with a few simple questions. You will have a box delivered to your table, and when you get it, one partner must pull out a card and read the question aloud. Then you take turns answering and reading the cards. Any questions? No? Perfect, lets begin!”

Roy reached for the box that the server delivered, and he pulled out the first card.

“Sticks and Stones: What are some nicknames (both positive and negative) that you have been called” He read with only a slight roughness to his voice.

“So much for this evening being fun.” Ed said hunching in on himself. “I hope she gives us a couple of hours because that’s how long I’ll need to rattle off the list.”

Roy nodded, “I feel like we have that in common.”

Ed threaded his fingers together, “Okay, so I don’t want your pity or anything, kay? Life sucks and kids are mean, so keep that to yourself.” He took a deep breath. “So. Well my least favourite one is what this asshole Russell used to call me ‘Gimpy-boy’ because I sometimes had to wear a cheap prosthetic when Winry was working on my leg. He used to call me ‘midget’ too, or ‘hobbit’ and sometimes ‘crippled dwarf’ although I did get him back for that one by breaking his nose.” Ed gave a weak smile. “Fucker deserved it.”

“I’m sorry you went through that.” Roy said.

Ed shrugged, “Kids are cruel. I guess I’ve also been called every gay slur you can imagine, but that’s what I get for not dating Winry. Russell was obsessed with her, and he couldn’t understand why I didn’t--and I quote--’Fuck her pussy so hard she cries’.” He shuddered, “As if I haven’t made Winry cry enough times by being an inconsiderate asshole. Why would I want to make her cry on purpose? Anyways, he figured I must be gay for not hooking up with Winry, so I never really heard the end of it until I moved away.”

“Russell sounds like a very sad little boy.” Roy said, his eyes soft.

“Yeah, well he had a messed up life, but that’s not an excuse for his crap.” He shrugged, “I’ve been called ‘smart’ and ‘brilliant’ by some of my profs, so I guess I have that going for me.”

“That’s a rather short list.” Roy said, “I think you are very smart, beautifully passionate, a fantastic conversationalist, an unparalleled genius in all matters mathematical, and a delightful kisser.”

For a minute Ed couldn’t hear anything past the pounding of his pulse in his ears as his face burned with what must be a horrendous shade of red. “I--shut up.” He managed, looking anywhere but at Roy, “Hey it’s your turn anyways.”

There was a beat of silence as Roy watched him, but rather than apologize Roy simply said, “Well I grew up in a predominantly white area, so I was called ‘Pancake-face, mutt, banana, and my favourite ‘half-breed kimchi marmite miner.’ Which I thought was a rather creative way of expressing a dislike for my mixed parentage and my interest in men.” He sighed, “I can’t even disagree with the marmite to feces comparison, as I find that they are both equally inedible, but I can’t help but wonder what amazing feats that person could achieve if they tried to direct their creativity towards something more useful.”

“Well, now you’re a lawyer, so no one can call you shit like that without a defamation lawsuit.” Ed said.

Roy smiles, “That isn’t exactly how it works, but I understand your point.”

“At the risk of over inflating your ego, I guess you also gotta list the nice things people have called you.” 

Roy’s face scrunched up in a way that made Ed’s pulse quicken. “My friends say I’m a ‘sexy bastard’ so I suppose that counts, and the friend who got me into this TV mess once told me I am the smoothest talker in town.” He paused for a minute, “I think my grade 3 teacher once called me her favourite student, so there’s that.”

Ed opened his mouth, but found he could say anything, so instead he coughed before he managed to say “You’re good at people, fuck, you could probably charm anyone even if you looked like a gangrene infested toe.” Ed glanced up at Roy only to find him looking absolutely delighted. 

“That is the best compliment I have ever received!” Roy said, laughter bubbling through. “That might even beat ‘marmite miner’ for sheer creativity.”

“Shut up.” Ed said.

“Good work everyone!” Peggy said, “Take the next card!”

“Fuck.” Ed said, as he reached for the box and yanked out another card. “Okay, Uh--What is your love language?”

Roy hummed a thoughtful noise. “I tend to show affection through physical touch. I find that I am happiest when the person I care about is close to me.” 

“Okay. Well I think Al would say I value actions more than words. He always complains how I’d never go to the hospital for my own problems, but I’d carry him there myself if he so much as coughed.”

“Acts of service, then?” Roy asked, his head tilted.

“I guess.” Ed nodded, “Anyone can say ‘I love you’ but what's the point of that when they can’t even be bothered to help you when you need it.”

“I will remember that.” Roy said, as Peggy called out for everyone to the last card. Roy did as he was told. “What have you liked the most about me so far?”

“Fishing for compliments now Mustang?” Ed grinned, “I think I like how relaxed you are about most things.” He scratched his neck. “I always get mad at everything, but you keep your cool, and I thank thats---uh cool.”

“Thank you.” Roy said, a smile on his face. “It isn’t always easy, but I have seen too many victims of anger issues to allow myself to become one of them. As for the question, I think I like your frankness the most. I spend a lot of time around people who filter themselves beyond recognition, and to spend time with someone like you is truly a respite.”

“Figures all your lawyer friends would be fake as fuck.” Ed said, “I guess even your clients can be fakers too.”

“Not always,” Roy agreed, “but I’ve had my fair share of people pretending to be something they are not in order to gain my sympathy or the jury’s pity for financial gain.”

“Well then, I promise to never bullshit, and to tell you what’s up without making you wonder if I actually mean what I say.” 

Roy grinned so happily that Ed thought, for a moment, that he was going to be blinded.

“Wonderful work you guys!” Peggy said over the muted conversations, “I hope you’ve all learned something about your spouse!” She nodded along with the noises of agreement. “My good friend Dr. Alana will be giving a short speech about being open and honest with each other, and then I will return to host a game of ‘Truth or Dare’!”

“Seriously?” Ed said, as he turned to Roy. “What is this? Middle School?” 

“Apparently so.” Roy said, brightening up as the server arrived with their drinks.

* * *

The speech about openness wasn’t too bad, but Ed thought that maybe that was due to the three drinks he had downed in quick succession. Roy hadn’t been far behind, waving the server over just as Peggy took the stage once again and began reading through her list of ‘truth or dare’

Ed lifted his paddle that said truth, and was relieved when Peggy asked ‘What is your happiest memory?’ and all those who had selected the ‘T’ paddle turned to murmur to their partner, while those who chose the ‘D’ paddle waited patiently for their assignment.

“That’s easy.” Ed said, passing the paddle to Roy. “When my brother finally woke up from his coma. I was just out of my amputation surgery when he began to wake up, and by the time the drugs were out of my system, he was able to open his eyes.”

“That must have been such a relief.” Roy agreed, and Ed nodded.

“The Dare is to take your partners hand and intertwine your fingers.” Peggy said, and Ed turned to watch Greg and Emily fumble for each other’s grasp, each flushing a deep scarlet colour.

“Pretty tame so far.” Ed murmured, “It’ll get worse. It always does.”

“Truth of Dare?” Peggy asked again, and this time Roy chose the Dare which turned out to be giving Ed a hand massage, which Ed tolerated, but during which he couldn’t look away from the fine fingers rubbing deep circles into his palms. If his voice sounded choked when he raised the ‘T’ paddle, Roy didn’t say anything.

“What is the sexiest thing you have ever seen?” Peggy asked, and Ed quietly mourned the loss of Roy’s hands as he pulled back.

“I--” Ed began, but stopped to clear his throat. “You know that terrible Fantastic 4 movie with Chris Evans?” Roy nodded, “Yeah--well, basically everything about his character. I guess I think cocky confidence is sexy.” Ed muttered.

“Understandable.” Roy said. 

Ed glared at him, “Shut up. Don’t fucking pretend I don’t see the similarities between you two. I can’t help it.”

Peggy interrupted whatever Roy’s response was going to be. “Have you ever cheated on a partner?”

Ed tensed as he looked at Roy, who shook his head. “No,” he said, “I have never cheated on anyone I was seeing.” He shrugged, “Although I suppose I never really ‘saw’ anyone for longer than a month.”

“Why not?” Ed asked.

“I suppose I was scared of commitment. I take relationships very seriously, and I didn’t want to commit if I wasn’t sure.”

Ed laughed, “So you committed to a stranger you had never met because it would make good television?”

“Well I committed to a gamble with Maes, so I had to hold up my end of the bargain--but yes, although I will say that having the choice of a partner taken out of my hands is quite a relief actually.”

“Well, good cause I’m pretty bad at ‘casual’ and I’m really good at committing myself to even the stupidest shit.”

“I do hope you aren’t calling me ‘stupid shit’ “ Roy said, as Ed lifted the ‘D’ paddle.

“No comment.” Ed smiled.

“For those of you who picked ‘dare’ you have to spend the next three rounds sitting in your partner’s lap.”

A series of groans drowned out Peggy, as some people looked disappointed that they had picked ‘truth’ while others, like Ed, looked mortified.

_“Shut. Up.”_ Ed threatened, as he stood and planted himself nearly of Roy’s knees.

“That isn’t very comfortable.” Roy said, drawing an arm around Ed and pulling him in closer until his chest was pressed to Ed’s back. 

Ed yelped, but didn’t protest as he felt his ass pressing against what must be Roy’s dick. If he moved it might ‘stimulate’ Roy, and he really didn’t want that on camera.

A director ordered that the couples who had their spouses on their lap life the ‘D’ paddle, and Roy obliged just as Ed watched one camera lady zoom in on them.

“Dare! Okay for the dare you must find the place on your spouses neck that they like having kissed.”

“Oh dear.” Roy said, too quiet for the microphones, but defensively loud enough for Ed to hear.

“Just do it.” Ed hissed as he reluctantly exposed the left side of his neck for Roy’s inspection. The right side had a few too many scars, and he didn’t want this to be any more awkward than it needed to be.

Around them, he could see James sitting in his wife’s lap, looking like an emasculated yeti, while Jackie seemed to be having the time of her life. One other couple, whose names Ed hadn’t bothered to remember, were also in the same position as the camera crews aimed to capture every moment on film.

A hot breath on his neck brought Ed’s focus back to Roy, and he did his best to keep a straight face as Roy mouthed the exposed flesh of Ed’s shoulder. For a moment Ed cursed the wide neckline of his T-shirt, but he quickly began to consider cutting all of his T-shirts to have a similar neckline so that Roy could do whatever he was doing more often. Fuck! What had begun as a mouthed kiss, and morphed into a gentle sucking motion that sent shivers up and down Ed’s spine. He felt his head tilt to expose more skin just as Roy’s hand came up to pull his head back and onto his shoulder. In that position Ed was free to press closer to the teeth that grazed his earlobe, and the temptation to groan was only restrained by the distant knowledge that they were being filmed. Instead, the groan manifested into an undulation, and he felt his hips grind down on a hardening cock.

“Fuck.” Ed hissed.

“Indeed.” Roy rumbled into his ear.

“You gotta stop, or I’m going to jump you. Camera’s be damned.”

Roy chuckled breath him, and Ed felt it in his bones. He had enough patience for 30 minutes. If this stupid activity went on for more than 30 minutes then he was going to just get up and haul Roy out. He was only human after all, and having a sex god mouthing at his neck was clearly not something any human could tolerate for an extended period of time.

* * *

The hotel door had barely slammed shut behind him when Ed cornered his husband.

“Where are your socks?” Ed asked, taking a handful of the stupidly tight button up Roy wore.

“I’ll get them.” Roy said, pupils blown wide, despite the brightness of the room.

“Yeah, you’d fucking better, otherwise some poor intern is going to have to edit out some very graphic scenes that are definitely not for TV.”

Roy laughed, and Ed watched as he retrieved a pair of socks that he easily slipped over the lens just as Ed made a rather rude gesture towards them. A quick swipe at the lock ensured that no angry director would come barging in to adjust the cameras, and a flip of a switch dimmed the lights. Roy adjusted the sock on the second camera, and turned to smile at Ed.

For a minute Ed couldn’t say anything, but his mother hadn’t raised no quitter, so he managed to drag up something that felt like confidence before Roy made his way back towards him.

“Well, What’cha wanna do?” He asked, head cocked, and hands clenched to disguise his anxiety.

Roy smiled softly as he leaned in, “Everything.” he said, before pressing their lips together.

* * *

_ No, I would really rather not talk about last night. Some things have to stay private, this isn’t a porno after all. Look, all I’ll say is that we both had a good time, and if Roy winked at the camera before covering it, it’s not my fault. I bet I could get him to flirt with a fucking palm tree, its just what he does. And before you ask, no it doesn’t bother me. I’m not the jealous type, and anyways I don’t think he knows how to stop--At breakfast he flirted with our server while fucking groping me under the table, and then immediately went back to flirting with me without even pausing for a break. Honestly, I think its hilarious. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even realize what he is doing. _

* * *

The morning of the final day began in the same way every day since the game of ‘truth or dare’ with Ed waking up under a mountain of Mustang, and a rock hard erection that threatened to cause permanent injury if left unattended. An unorthodox bit of cardio later, both of them managed to enjoy their breakfast without running into James. Ed ate as much as he could physically manage, while Roy drank some tea and considered a muffin. It was still new, but already very comfortable. The rest of the day was spent filming some video journals, and building sandcastles, but it all seemed to fly by as the sun set, and they are all called into a room with Peggy and a few of the ‘relationship experts’ who proceeded to remind them of what was expected in their lives once they returned to their now shared homes. 

Roy kept distracting Ed by playing with his hair, but eventually they were allowed to leave to film a joint video before packing their things and preparing to rise at the crack of dawn for their flight home.

* * *

_ What did I think of the Honeymoon? Well I think it went very well, so far I think Roy is pretty great. He isn’t the person I would have picked for myself if it had been up to me, because I wouldn’t have thought I’d have a chance with him, but despite the age difference we do have a lot in common. He thinks he is some suave motherfucker, but he’s really just a giant dork, I hope you include his rant about how miniskirts are the best thing since sliced bread because I am pretty sure I pissed myself laughing. It has only been a week, but I’m optimistic. I mean I’m used to things going to shit, but I dunno, I think this might just work. _

_ - _

_ I find myself agreeing with everything Ed has just said, especially the bit about my suaveness, as I do try my best to emulate my childhood crush James Bond---As for the miniskirt speech, I can say that I do not take back anything I said, however, Ed did fail to mention that I think he would look amazing in a miniskirt, and that we absolutely must go shopping once we are home. _


	2. Epilogue: Decision day

21) He has nightmares

22) His right hand is is 2mm larger than his left.

23) He has a fucking fetish for long hair

24) He wears reading glasses when he thinks no one is looking

25) Roy can deep throat like a champ

26) He’s gonna revolutionize the military through a lawsuit over something that happened while he was serving. We’ll need a mass grave for all the generals he’s gonna destroy.

27) He thinks ‘Titanic’ is romantic. Fuck knows why.

28) One of his ex-girlfriend’s is Brad Pitt’s second cousin’s step-niece twice removed.

29) He’s never gone commando and thinks it’s gross.

30) Al likes him.

* * *

“Good morning, Ed, Roy!” Peggy exclaimed as they entered the room. Fuck, Ed couldn’t wait for this shit show to be over. 

“Good morning.” Roy smiled, before settling down on the sofa beside Ed.

“You two have been through quite alot over the past few weeks.” Peggy said, “From the burst pipe in Roy’s house, to the family emergency that kept you both at the hospital, but despite all of those hurdles you both came through them together, and everything turned out well in the end. So now the time comes to ask the two of you whether you have decided to stay married. Ed, could you give us your answer?”

Ed looked down at his hands and grimaced, he really hated everything about this. “Well---uh, yeah you’re right, we have been through way too much crap these past few weeks, but in the end I realized just how nice it was to have Roy supporting me while my brother got his appendix removed, and I think that I would like to be able to help him whenever he ends up in a similar situation, so yeah I’d really like to stay married.”

“That’s lovely” Peggy said, turning to Roy.

“You have heard what Ed has to say, Roy. What is your final decision?”

Roy gave a rueful grin, “First of all I would like to thank everyone here who played a role in matching me up with Edward, it had been an absolutely exquisite experience that I would never have had otherwise. I know just how hard the show runners work to capture everything on film, and I would like to thank the crew for their efforts. As for Ed, I would be honoured to continue being his husband.”

Peggy and the other women jumped to their feet with applause, and Ed was forced to endure a toast, and some cringy photoshoots, but he could see the barely concealed amusement in Roy’s eyes, and for a long moment, nothing else mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's day!! Can I hear a shout from all of us poor singles who have been cock-blocked all year by Covid-19?  
> Remind me I'm not alone *sobs*
> 
> Please comment. My inbox is sad.

**Author's Note:**

> I will never get the 1 hour of research time I suffered through back. I strongly dislike these type of shows. Anyways if you didn’t think this fic sucked then yay I did my job. lol I love this trope in fanfiction even if I'm allergic to the real tv crap.


End file.
